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Why is an abusive relationship so addictive and hard to leave?

Abusive relationships are characterized by having extremely high peaks, followed by equally low ones, says Miriam, a psychologist

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"I suffered an abusive relationship," declares Miriam Rivera, a psychologist who graduated from the Ibero-American University and a master's student in psychological orientation from the same institution. Her experience was why she decided to teach a workshop called Abusive Love Relationships: Prevention, Detection, and Rehabilitation.

How to identify an abusive relationship?

There are several types of violence, although the most apparent is physical. However, Miriam explains that not in all abusive relationships there is a violence of this type. "For example, there are relationships where they don't touch you with a rose petal, but they have your money. They tell you when to use it and when not to. They control your clothes, they yell at you."

Although it is not always easy to identify an abusive relationship, one of the leading indicators is the couple's communication dynamics. "It is important to know that healthy communication is one in which, when there is a problem, the couple comes together to solve it," she says. "Abusive communication is often dominated by the aggressor, with yelling and emotional blackmail, or simply downplaying the issue at hand."

Additionally, abusive relationships characterized themselves as having major high points, followed by extremely low ones. Miriam describes it as a drawing of the beating of a heart.

"It's called a cycle of violence," she states. "At the beginning, a sentimental relationship is honey on flakes. In an abusive relationship, bad things come out. Little by little, they accumulate until there is an explosion. That is when the abuse begins: they yell at you, hit you, they tell you things. "

After that, the honeymoon returns, and the circle restarts. "The abusive person uses manipulation. They give you gifts, takes you on a trip, asks for forgiveness, and say it will not happen again."

Although many of the characteristics of violent relationships are easy to identify, the abuse can go unnoticed by the victim. For this and several other reasons, it is difficult to leave the relationship and seek help.

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Why is an abusive relationship addictive, and how to leave it?

Leaving a violent relationship is not easy for several reasons. The changes between the highs and lows of the sentimental connection lead to feelings of adrenaline. Specifically, the high points cause dopamine, the pleasure hormone, in the victim. "So not only is it emotional, but it also becomes addictive," she declares.

Miriam explains that the first step in leaving the relationship may be to discuss it with a close friend. However, she adds that she must be a person only close to the victim and not the aggressor, to avoid misunderstandings.

It is also important that the break up is in a public place, and preferably in the company of a close person, since "although the aggressor's reaction may be calm, it can also be very explosive."

She adds that if the victim lives with the abuser, having an escape plan is recommended. This involves finding a prepared route, as well as a suitcase with essential items and papers. "Each case is different because if the violence is economical, the victim may not have the money to leave."

How can I help a person in a violent relationship?

There are also things that the victim's friends and family can do to help. "I say this from personal experience. I think the most important thing is to be open to listening.

"What I think happens is that society tells us that men cannot be abused, that they are strong, that they should not cry," she says. "So there is a great load of shame, of 'how someone can be abusing me when I am the strong figure.'"

The World Health Organization describes intimate partner violence as one of the most common forms of violence against women. The National Survey on the Dynamics of Relationships and Households (ENDIREH) establishes that almost 44% of women over 15 years of age have suffered violence by their partner in Mexico.

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How to start rehabilitation?

"I handle rehab as a grieving process," says Miriam. "At the end of the day, the assailant had a powerful influence on the victim, and that changes her life in one way or another."

As in any grief, you go through the phases of denial and isolation, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance. But it is essential to understand that this process is not a straight line and that it is normal to jump from one phase to another. Miriam explains that it is vital that both the victim and family and friends understand that it is normal to miss the aggressor and not feel guilty about it.

What follows is to work on feelings of dependency and guilt. "The adrenaline generated in the honeymoon stages generates dependency." This is something that can be treated with professional help.

The next step is to regain the friendships and bonds that were lost while in an abusive relationship. Limits must be set in this process. "I explain in the workshop that we should not give specific explanations to friends if we do not feel comfortable, that we have to ask for support, and that we have to get more involved in the lives of these people."

Miriam recommends doing an exercise called FIA if you want to get into a new relationship. The activity consists of thinking about the Fundamental, Important, and Accessory characteristics that are sought. The Fundamental consists of those without which there can be no relationship. The important are characteristics in which there may be negotiations. The Accessory is the things that you might like in a partner but is not necessary. The exercise helps to set limits on yourself.

Miriam explains that throughout the process, it is essential to say, "I take care of myself, I love myself, and therefore I find myself in a new relationship with myself."

Although the subject is widely discussed, the lack of empathy towards the victim from friends and family minimizes the problem. She, therefore, says that the information seen from a psychological perspective can help solve it.

Traducción: Valentina K. Yanes