We all have griefs. We process them differently, and there will always be some who break our hearts more than others. In my case, after having gone through the loss of Pisqui, Amankay, Nellys, and Tere in a short time, undoubtedly, I could no longer deal with the death of my grandmother; it was devastating. In that moment of emotional tear, my reality appeared in front of me. It led me to put, as the psychoanalyst Alejandra de la Garza Walliser would say to me, "words to the absence without covering the hole," and thus, a book was born.
Life is cyclical and dialectical. Life and death coexist all the time in our days. Some die, others are born, others are recycled, and others, as they are dead, still live through their ideas, advice, words, music, writings, stories, smells, food, and incidents. Everything that they were leaving in our consciousness and unconscious remains in our daily memory. The only certainty we have at birth is death. Each culture has its rituals; from the Mexican worldview, we live closer to it, believers or not, we humanize it. We honor our loved ones through the ceremonies, to whom we symbolically express that they are always on our minds.
EMOTIONS AT THE ALTAR OF THE DEAD
At the altar of the dead, we mix respect, longing, and the joy of feeling present to those who have stepped ahead, combining our five senses by giving us time to spend with them through the colors of the marigold flowers. Velvet and cloud, the candles with their walking and dancing flames consumed little by little, the various fruits, the memorable photos, and the confetti. The combined smell of flowers, drinks, traditional food, and copal opens the door to that magical world of meeting with those who left, sharing a drink, an anecdote, a claim, a piece of advice, or a request. The idea is to continue sharing life from any plane.
Making an analogy of the ritual of the day of the dead with the unconscious could be a ritual of respect towards the basement of our unconscious, which we do not know, but we know that it exists somehow, and sometimes we can pass through it. It gives us fear and uncertainty, and it amazes us when we begin to understand it and discover it. It takes us through those passages as in Dante''s hell, magical, dark, full of light and darkness, ominous too, but which leaves us with peace and tranquility when passing through it, even when they make us sad, angry and lonely. In the end, that journey makes us stronger and more human.
BACK TO NATURE
Inevitably, the physical death of people is real. But bodies return to the environment, either by being buried, turning into ashes and becoming part of the sea, a tree, or something that "brings back life." We become compost and nutrients that help give new life, and of course, somehow, we return to be in a different way because we are matter, we transform, and never finish "disappearing".
Grief is a normal feeling when losing a loved one. It can also be felt with something abstract such as freedom, something material such as a house, a part of the body, or something more intangible as a relationship or a project. Freud said that despite being painful, it is essential to go through it to achieve people''s psychological well-being. The stages or phases vary according to the different authors. Psychoanalysis speaks of denial, confrontation, and reestablishment; And in Thanatology, the following steps are considered: denial, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance.
The transition period is different for each person since it depends on various factors: such as the circumstance of the event, the resources of the personal grief, their emotions, their mental structure, and their resilience, among others. If the grief paralyzes the person, it is preferable to ask for an accompaniment from a mental health professional to reduce the risks of a breakdown.
David Nasio, an Argentine psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, tells us that "what hurts the most about the death of the other is that we are no longer reflected in their gaze. That reflection is no longer there, part of the memory leaves with them, and we will no longer be able to tell it. "
When one goes through the grieving process, we become stuck in sadness, and we cry, blame ourselves, get angry, claim their abandonment, and ask why you leave me here? And indeed, if they could answer, they would tell us: because you are not me because you have a life of your own, so take care of yourself, do not live through me. Understand and accept it, it''s not easy, but it can be done.
Norma G. Escamilla Barrientos has a degree in pedagogy from the Faculty of Philosophy and Letters at UNAM and a master''s degree in psychoanalytic psychotherapy from Centro Eleia, A.C. @EscamillaBarr
Traducción: Valentina K. Yanes