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How to have a difficult conversation and not stay bitter

Arguing about a problem is not always the answer and much less if the quarrel is with your couple

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Having different points of view is not a problem; the solution is not to reason but to listen to yourself.

Arguing about a problem is not always the answer and much less if the quarrel is with your couple. When our partner starts to get upset, they may say offensive words. The way out is not to counter the answer because they can be distorted. Instead, try following the next steps.

"We can feel shame, guilt, fear, anger, and instead of focusing on addressing the problem, we defend and restrain ourselves. We don't want to respond with an inappropriate phrase or have the other think we lack self-control. But we fail by doing so," adds the Human Area center's director psychologist.

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WHEN TO STOP AN ARGUMENT?

According to an article in El País, it is easy to know when to stop or continue with a discussion based on identifying emotions. The body gives us signals. "Emotions have a physiological part, and when we perceive an offense or a threat, the body prepares for action, to fiercely defend ourselves. It becomes tense; our heart beats faster, and our breathing becomes more agitated…" Julia Vidal, a clinical psychologist, and spokesperson for the Official College of Psychologists of Madrid, describes. These physiological reactions increase stress, which leads to a vicious cycle that does not diminish hostilities.

WHAT CAN WE DO WHEN WE FEEL UPSET?

Before starting with psychologists recommendations, it is essential to consider that anger allows us to understand what the other person is feeling. When we see it that way, the tension decreases.

1. The first step is to take a series of deep breaths

2. The second recommendation is to repeat specific mantras and start a conversation with ourselves. For example, phrases like: "This is normal," "everything will be fine," "it is part of life," "listen to the other," "You don''t have to answer him now"...

3. Third, if the previous actions did not work for us, it is to postpone the talk. "If you are overwhelmed by the situation, the best thing you can do is postpone the conversation," recommends psychologist Julia Vidal. "Say to the other: ''Look, I''d like to talk to you about this issue, at another time." Do it calmly and with nice words, because the way we express ourselves contributes decisively to reducing tension.

Traducción: Valentina K. Yanes