Few of us are trained to respond adequately when the topic of a conversation is sexual violence, from the lips of those who have experienced it firsthand. "What do you answer?" is the frequent question when someone tells us they were victims of sexual violence. Not knowing how to respond is normal. Sometimes, we do not know how to express our solidarity or consolation. We must avoid at all costs emitting expressions that revictimize and cause more pain to the victims. Here are five phrases you should never say to a survivor of sexual violence:
1. "But the same thing has happened to others."
Yes, sexual violence is more common than we would like and has become normalized. Still, saying that it is common will not make the victim feel any better. It will minimize their emotions and the battle they are fighting internally. Sometimes we tend to tell our experiences to make the other person feel more comfortable. But this has the opposite effect because the message we are sending is: "It is not so bad. It happens to many others" this will make her trauma invisible and blame her for her emotions.
2. "Why didn''t you report it?"
Requiring women to report in a legal system embraced by impunity is inconceivable, especially for those victims who are in the lowest strata of the social pyramid of power.
Many women avoid reporting for fear of being revictimized in the process, a common practice in the institutions in charge of ensuring justice. The high rates of impunity and dissatisfaction with the institutions mean that the victims do not even want to report, and we cannot judge them for that.
It is more critical for survivors of sexual violence to take care of themselves and recover from the trauma they have experienced. Facing a legal fight against their aggressors, in a system where they have the upper hand, remains in the background.
3. "But are you sure that''s what happened? Maybe you got it wrong."
When a woman confesses to having survived a sexual assault, the least she wants is to be questioned about the ordeal she has dared to tell. Questioning victims about the truthfulness of what they have experienced and demanding evidence or minute details can lead the person to relive the trauma. Doubting a survivor''s statement contributes to the perpetuation of the patriarchal system, which has historically protected the abuse of men, calling women who dare to denounce crazy or liars.
4. "If you are a feminist, you must make a public complaint."
Many women have chosen to publicly make complaints of their attackers, search for justice, or alert other women who live with their aggressors. It has become a protection mechanism among women, but pressuring a victim to report publicly can be aggressive and cause anxiety. Dealing with shame and fear after rape is not easy; Posting their story can make them feel more fragile and in danger. Furthermore, a woman who decides not to publicly share her story is no more, no less, a feminist.
5. "I thought you were dating"
Socially, the figure of a sexual aggressor is associated with strangers, but most sexual assaults happen at home, by family members, partners, or friends. Being in a relationship does not mean that their attacks are no longer sexual violence: boyfriends and husbands also rape.
Traducción: Valentina K. Yanes